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day 29: a song from your childhood
“Summergirls” by LFO
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS SONG!!!
“Because a face without freckles is like the sky without stars, those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable. So why do you even waste a second not loving who you are? They show your personality, and they reflect who you are. Love yourself.”
Natasha Bedingfield
I’m sick of school. I’m sick of not being happy with who I am. I’m sick of being fatter than I was last year. I’m sick of being bigger than my boyfriend. I’m sick of him telling me he doesn’t care about stuff like that, everyone cares about that stuff. I’m sick of trying to get good grades. I’m sick of trying so hard and being disappointed when I fail. I’m sick of being told I won’t make it to nationals again. I’m sick of being told I have to do everything on my own. I’m sick of people expecting so much of me. I’m sick of disappointing people. I’m sick of being told I’m good at something I’m not. I’m sick of not being perfect. I’m sick of not being pretty. I’m sick of not being able to read for enjoyment. I’m sick of teachers who just don’t care. I’m sick of hearing that I’m selfish. I’m sick of being self-conscious all the time. I’m sick of fake people. I’m sick of thinking about how hard junior year is going to be.
I. am. scared. of. everything.
Ms. Hathcoat says there’s an underlying emotion under every fit of anger. Mine is fear. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of being left. Fear of being disappointed myself. Fear of not going to a good college. Fear of getting a B. I don’t even understand that one. A B is still above average, but it seems like death to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know if I’m trying to please my parents or if I’m afraid of change, but I’m definitely afraid of a B. I’m afraid of being left behind by my peers who get straight A’s. There’s no reason for me to get a B. I would be the outcast if I got it. It would mean I didn’t work hard enough. I don’t deserve an A in APWH. I know I don’t. I haven’t worked for it. It seems like I haven’t worked hard enough in the past. I haven’t worked hard for anything. I lost nationals. Who cares if I got there? I LOST. I don’t work hard enough in softball, that’s why I’m not as good as I should be. There are so many things I haven’t tried hard enough for, and my time is sowly wasting away. I’m almost halfway done, halfway to college.
I want to be carefree like some of the people I know. Everything just seems so effortless for them. I have to work so hard for everything, but it’s never good enough. I guess another one of my trigger emotions is jealousy. I’m JEALOUS of the people who are good at everything so effortlessly. And are so pretty and small. I want to be like them, just one day, to see how it feels.
Stephanie, I completely love you. I’m not trying to make you feel better, but I’m going to tell it like it is. You are soo good! You are such an amazing person, and I aim to be like you because I think you are so amazing! I understand the whole scared of dissappointing people thing because I’ve always been the best too, and now i’m not. I mean i have a rocket scientist, priest, and a peace corp person in my family. I get being scared to dissapoint people, but one thing i’ve learned is that you can only disappoint yourself. Your parents are so proud of you, and I can see it when they are around you! You cannot disappoint them! I also understand being scared of a B because I’ve never had one either…to be honest it scares the hell out of me…but one thing my dad has taught me is that you don’t have to be the definition of perfect to be the perfect you. I want you to know I’m here for you, and I can help you in AP world, and whenever you need help…I’m here for you, and I want you to know that i think you are the most amazing person and I am so proud of you!
MaryAnn, I don’t think you know how much better that made me feel. It’s almost as if a huge weight was lifted! I’m so glad I have you as a friend and I think you’re absolutely amazing. I don’t know what the hell I would do without you. EVER.
I love you Stephanie! and I’m glad I could help and i’m soo soo soo glad i’m your friend! I’m pretty sure I could be completely lost without you! I would be blind in the night without you!
I’m sick of school. I’m sick of not being happy with who I am. I’m sick of being fatter than I was last year. I’m sick of being bigger than my boyfriend. I’m sick of him telling me he doesn’t care about stuff like that, everyone cares about that stuff. I’m sick of trying to get good grades. I’m sick of trying so hard and being disappointed when I fail. I’m sick of being told I won’t make it to nationals again. I’m sick of being told I have to do everything on my own. I’m sick of people expecting so much of me. I’m sick of disappointing people. I’m sick of being told I’m good at something I’m not. I’m sick of not being perfect. I’m sick of not being pretty. I’m sick of not being able to read for enjoyment. I’m sick of teachers who just don’t care. I’m sick of hearing that I’m selfish. I’m sick of being self-conscious all the time. I’m sick of fake people. I’m sick of thinking about how hard junior year is going to be.
I. am. scared. of. everything.
Ms. Hathcoat says there’s an underlying emotion under every fit of anger. Mine is fear. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of being left. Fear of being disappointed myself. Fear of not going to a good college. Fear of getting a B. I don’t even understand that one. A B is still above average, but it seems like death to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know if I’m trying to please my parents or if I’m afraid of change, but I’m definitely afraid of a B. I’m afraid of being left behind by my peers who get straight A’s. There’s no reason for me to get a B. I would be the outcast if I got it. It would mean I didn’t work hard enough. I don’t deserve an A in APWH. I know I don’t. I haven’t worked for it. It seems like I haven’t worked hard enough in the past. I haven’t worked hard for anything. I lost nationals. Who cares if I got there? I LOST. I don’t work hard enough in softball, that’s why I’m not as good as I should be. There are so many things I haven’t tried hard enough for, and my time is sowly wasting away. I’m almost halfway done, halfway to college.
I want to be carefree like some of the people I know. Everything just seems so effortless for them. I have to work so hard for everything, but it’s never good enough. I guess another one of my trigger emotions is jealousy. I’m JEALOUS of the people who are good at everything so effortlessly. And are so pretty and small. I want to be like them, just one day, to see how it feels.
Stephanie, I completely love you. I’m not trying to make you feel better, but I’m going to tell it like it is. You are soo good! You are such an amazing person, and I aim to be like you because I think you are so amazing! I understand the whole scared of dissappointing people thing because I’ve always been the best too, and now i’m not. I mean i have a rocket scientist, priest, and a peace corp person in my family. I get being scared to dissapoint people, but one thing i’ve learned is that you can only disappoint yourself. Your parents are so proud of you, and I can see it when they are around you! You cannot disappoint them! I also understand being scared of a B because I’ve never had one either…to be honest it scares the hell out of me…but one thing my dad has taught me is that you don’t have to be the definition of perfect to be the perfect you. I want you to know I’m here for you, and I can help you in AP world, and whenever you need help…I’m here for you, and I want you to know that i think you are the most amazing person and I am so proud of you!
I’m actually planning to see all these movies and I’m not ashamed to say so… sorry my friends who are haters:)
I push away everyone close to me, then wonder why i feel so alone. This is my fault and my fault alone
